thoughts

blighty here i come

2005-07-19T18:25:00.000-07:00

with less than 12 hours before my flight...

1) i have really let myself go in the past 3 weeks. wait, i lied. i have let myself go since february. i eat what i want and then feel guilty afterwards, and it is happily showing in my ever-expanding hip circumference (and abdominal, and etc etc). i need to do something (!). is it fate that the hospital i will be working in is next to a FF branch? no more excuses. have to do it now or die of an MI soon.

2) i think i have finally succeeded in breaking myself away from the AW group due to the fact that a) i won't be here physically for the next few months, and b) they have stopped contacting me after i failed to attend our first meeting. and i hate that i am somewhat feeling guilty for (supposedly) 'disappointing' my group. maybe they just want to be friends? but i can't kick out this thought that in the future someone will inevitably ask me when i will do my advanced course. pressure pressure..

3) this time around, 3 weeks actually felt like 3 weeks. it didn't end too quickly, nor did it feel like forever. are things becoming normal finally? haha.. it still hasn't sunk in you know. the fact that i'm going 'home' tonight. i won't be able to have ice-cream, fizzy drink, fries, fried chicken, cheesecake, rotiboi, sup tulang, tempe goreng sambal belacan, kuih badak- ALL IN ONE DAY. gile or what right? definitely gila la. (no wonder i've put on weightla. duh.)

4) i am so in love. :) i knew this already but spending time with jim and meeting his family makes me feel so at home and comfortable. can't wait for him to come back.

okay, back to packing.

i am one lucky girl

2005-07-17T03:35:00.000-07:00

i have never been this happy in my life!

*grin*

sorry. just had to say it out loud. i won't go into the yucky-yucky details but words cannot describe how happy this man makes me feel. just want him to know that i love him dearly and appreciate his courage for coming for our kenduri even though he knew that he would look rather unfamiliar to the guests (read: not related by blood). i was probably trying to kid him (and myself) by telling him that no one would notice him, etcetera but when i tried to put myself into his shoes... terrifying. heh. sorry ah..

met a few members of his family today, and i thoroughly enjoyed myself. very friendly and joyful lot, like mom and tok mak. they made me feel at home. i wish i was here for longer and am dreading wednesday when i am flying back to the land-where-days-end-at-6. am going to miss my dear even though i know that he will be back 2 weeks later.

i guess deep down, i long for the day when i can come back for good and not have to worry about the 13-hour flight, motion sickness, or being homesick for the first 4 weeks. ikut rasa hati, i would like to do it now or in the near future. but what my mind says is a different thing.

i am procrastinating thinking or discussing about this. i don't know how it will be lah, but i am sure it will make me sad whatever happens..

haiya.. i thought this would be a cheery one.

p.s: delirium, visa went ok. met fiza at the place- sweet little girl. your long lost admirer (remember 10 things i hate about you? lol) is engaged and will get hitched end of the year i heard. life is full of surprises i tell you.

p.p.s: kudsi, i guess i have converted even more civilians (also known as the drifters) to anti-AW. heh. not my intention, was just conveying what i think about them. my bro is one big fan, and well, being related by blood do mean something. hehe.

randoms

2005-07-13T23:18:00.000-07:00

i attended this 'self-discovery' programme a week ago, mainly because i thought i had to 'teman' my mom since the thing finished at midnight most of the days. i really had no idea what i was putting myself into.

i had so many things to rant about at the moment. i am more confused than ever. i never thought anyone could be as manipulative as these people. anything i say, they will come up with something that will make me question myself. i am deeply disappointed in myself as i thought i would be stronger than this.

i guess my purpose when i initially signed up for this was to be stronger and learn how to stand up for myself, and stop being a 'yes' person. yet, in the end, i was doing the same thing again.

i don't know what is going on in these people's minds. i don't know whether they are aware of what they are doing. bottom line is, it is a business, and i can't really be mad at them for having such a good marketing strategy. making people question about themselves and feeling guilty and getting money out of it. sure. i got something out of it. but to pay 2000 ringgit for it? questionable. if they are so sincere in making the world a better place, why don't they start by having some respect for the strangers like me who was naive enough to be manipulated.

you know what? if i say all these things to them, they will come up with something to make me quiet.

Wasn't I responsible in signing up in the first place?

What do you notice about yourself ash? Where else in life do you do this?

What kind of values do you want to create to people around you?

Tired of this already. Go and scerw other people's lives now will ya? Stop buggering me.